Another Excerpt From "Recovering Bankrupt"

I wrote this as a column for the Fort Wayne Reader, sometime back in 2008. I couldn't find the excerpt I wanted, so you're getting this one, instead.

How Bad Is the Economy? A Few Observations*

General Motors stock costs less than a bed dance.

Taco Bell's value menu is beyond your budget.

Pennies are worth picking up again.

One of your friends is excited about his $25,000 a year job teaching English—in Korea. **

Dollar stores (Dollar Tree, Dollar General, etc.) are the new Wal-mart.

You rearrange your schedule to hit up all the food banks you can find.

Going out to a movie means going to your boyfriend's house to watch YouTube videos, because you can't afford high speed Internet.

You are forced to sell your gold fillings and have to replace them with Bondo.

Your new job is taking pennies from those “take a penny” cups in convenience stores.

You steal toilet paper from public places so you don't have to buy it. **

Since you can't pay your electric bill, you read by street light.

The Tightwad Gazette has become your favorite book, so much that you didn't return it by the due date, so now you owe the library money. **

You're considering buying an SUV—as a low-cost alternative to traditional housing.

Your annual garage sale has turned into a weekly event—and the pile of junk you're getting rid of keeps getting bigger.

You dump your bathwater on your garden so you don't have to use water from the hose thereby keeping your water bill lower.**

Your “winning the lottery” fantasy has replaced your usual sex fantasy. **

You reach down to pick up a dime and clunk heads with someone else trying to do the same thing.

You bore the neighborhood kids with stories that start off with, “when I was your age, General Motors was a successful company!”

Your retirement fund has become your “to hell with the future, I have to eat and pay the cable bill NOW!” fund.

You drop in on friends who have air conditioning, so you don't have to turn yours on and spend money on the extra electricity.

You realize that both you and your parents experienced “The Great Depression,” but in different millenniums.

You're ready to punch out the next person who says, “the economy is just having a minor slump right now.”

Job interviews are something you look forward to, instead of dreading.

You gladly take a drug test, IQ test, personality test, blood test and offer to lick the interviewer's shoes to seem as much like a team player as possible.

You punch out your best friend because he/she complains about working overtime so much.

Your favorite video store is no longer Blockbusters—it's now the Allen County Public Library.

You're reading this, and crying—yet laughing at the same time.

*This originally appeared in my column “Buenos Diaz” in the Fort Wayne Reader as “You Know Times Are Tough When ...” I came up with the ideas while I was driving the ice cream truck one day.

**I've either done these things, or knew people who did them.